I Am Safe

A short story from the book
I Am the Captain

Written by
Angela DiMarco

Featuring artwork by
Dana Sardano

To know me is to know that I am a huge Pearl Jam fan. My fanaticism started back in September of 1992 when I was home for my Uncle John’s funeral (that is a story in and of itself and for another time.) I was at a dive bar in Long Beach, NY, and while in the depths of my despair, I leaned on the jukebox and played two songs, Alive and Black by this new grunge band Pearl Jam over and over and over again. The angst and emotion in Eddie Vedder’s voice connected with the angst and pain I was feeling inside. I was a true Gen X girl and didn’t outwardly express my emotions, so in a sense, Pearl Jam’s music became my bestie through all my life experiences that followed.

Fast forward to New York City on the morning of September 11, 2001. I was living in a pretty cool apartment tucked away on a tiny side street between the South Street Seaport and the World Trade Center. I was getting ready for my job at an advertising agency in the Upper East Side when the first plane hit the tower. It sounded like a garbage truck had smashed into our building, and being that this was New York City, I thought nothing of it.

Our windows faced the seaport, not the Twin Towers, so it wasn’t until I turned on the local news channel NY1 that I saw what really happened just four blocks away. I then immediately plowed into my roommate Christen’s bedroom and turned on the news for her to see.

As my roommate and I watched the news, the second plane hit the other tower. This was all so unbelievable that we decided to go to our roof to see if what we were watching on TV was actually real. From that vantage point, the painful truth revealed itself with black smoke billowing out of both buildings. We talked with some Wall Street kids who, not understanding the magnitude of the situation, were drinking beers and celebrating having a day off from work. One kid had a burnt piece of paper and was exclaiming that it was his souvenir, while another told him, “Shut up, so-and-so’s dad is up there.” There was a man screaming to God asking to save all the souls or something.

It was all beyond surreal.

Then the first tower fell.

I had never felt such terror, such feelings of helplessness, of loss, of well, straight-up fear. There were no rational thoughts. It seemed as if the second tower would timber down right onto us. I joined that man and screamed out to God to save us. My roommate dragged me back into our apartment just as the black cloud of smoke enveloped our building.

I was terrified.

Somehow my grandfather was able to get through on our landline, and he told us to fill the bathtub with water, put wet towels on all the window sills, and move anything glass to the floor. Our electricity didn’t go out, so we were able to witness the second tower fall on TV and knew that we were ‘safe’ from getting crumbled, but then the rumors started about gas mains blowing up underneath us, that the whole country was under attack, and well, you know the rest. The information presented to us was pure anarchy.

We watched in horror with our neighbors for a few hours, and in the afternoon, maybe around 2 pm, we came up with a game plan to walk up to Chelsea (a neighborhood north of us) and convene with others at a friend’s apartment. So, we packed our necessities, put bandannas over our faces, and headed out into the cloud of smoke speckled with diffused emergency vehicle lights, stunned, soot-laden people, and first responders guiding us around the giant footprint of destruction.

We eventually made our way to Chinatown, where we could see the cobalt blue sky clear of all clouds except for the plume coming from where we just came. People were going about their day as if nothing happened, and we pressed on in silence, trying to process what we just experienced.

It all felt like a really bad dream that I just could not wake up from. In the days and weeks that followed, my PTSD set it. I had worked on a high floor in a building on 50th St. and 3rd Ave., and just going up to my office had me on edge. Every single garbage truck I heard rolling over a metal plate in the street nearly sent me to my knees. I went through the motions because that is what you did, right? I didn’t talk about my feelings because, well, that’s also what you did, right? I was a master of disguise—I just bottled it all up inside and put a big, “I’m fine!” smile on my face—my go-to mask.

Roughly a year prior to 9/11, I had heard that Pearl Jam had a very tragic experience of their own. Several people died at one of their shows, and they had written some songs to help them heal from that experience. One of their songs titled I Am Mine had been released just prior to 9/11/01 and was playing on the radio a lot. When I was sitting in my office on that high floor suppressing my never-ending panic attack, hearing Eddie Vedder’s familiar voice sing the lyrics “We’re safe tonight” was truly the only thing that made me feel okay in that moment. It was the only moment that I felt any sense of comfort, so I played the song as often as I could.

Time went on, and I survived the best I could. My high school sweetheart Paul Eckna was one of the missing and going to his funeral six or seven weeks after the towers fell brought on a whole new set of emotions to overcome, including survivor’s guilt, regret, and heartbreak. With time, therapy, and a whole bunch of unhealthy survival tactics, I pressed on, but that song, that lyric was my go-to for a quick, temporary hit of feeling safe.

Two years later in 2003, Pearl Jam played a show at Madison Square Garden in NYC, and I was fortunate enough to be in the sixth row (thanks to my extreme, ultra dorkiness for being in the fan club since 1994.) I am sure you can imagine that if that one lyric helped me, how much their other songs spoke to my lonely soul. Seeing the band live and being bathed in the energy of the fans and the music has been amongst some of my most treasured experiences, where I’ve felt I could be completely and authentically myself, dancing like a fool and singing at the top of my lungs until my throat ached.

At this particular show, I really wanted to thank the band in some way for helping me through that trauma two years prior. At previous shows, Eddie had asked people to put down signs that they had made because the signs were blocking the fans behind them from seeing the stage, and he was always considerate to create a positive experience for all the fans. So, I chose to write “We’re Safe Tonight” (actually ‘tonite’ because it fit better) on my arms with a black Sharpie marker (yes, I hear myself as I type this, but whatever! I’m going full commando here!) When they started playing the chorus of I Am Mine, I stood on my chair, and when I caught Eddie’s eyes seeing me and nodding in acknowledgment, the loop was closed for me with a perfect, rockin’ bow.

In the subsequent years post 9/11/01, my M.O. has been to watch the reading of the names on the local news, take the moments of silence, and reflect on the lives lost and lives changed—a yearly day of silently mourning in my own way. However, Sunday, September 11, 2022 was different. I saw Pearl Jam play at Madison Square Garden in NYC once again. It was my opportunity to transmute this calendar day into a day of celebration, into a day of pride in my overcoming, my growth, and my feeling safe.

I did not write lyrics on my arms this time—in all fairness, it was because my seats were just too far from the stage, and I was 48 years old—but I was watching my favorite band play my favorite music that washed over me and through me. I even got to see an old college friend before the show!

My excitement for that particular show on that particular date was so far beyond just seeing Pearl Jam play again. It was a transmutation from grief to healing, and it was fucking awesome. Rock on! \m/,

And the feeling, it gets left behind.
All the innocence lost at one time.
Significant behind the eyes.
There’s no need to hide.
We’re safe tonight.

Lyrics from I Am Mine by Pearl Jam

This became a ritual for other shows on the tour. This is taken from outside Pearl Jam’s State College (Penn State Stadium) gig on May 3, 2003.